Sunday, 31 August 2014

What sound does a zebra make?

 I used to think that a zebra would make a noise similar to a horse, I mean they are similar enough to be able to mate and produce viable offspring (zorses!!). Recently I discovered that zebras actually make a really weird noise. It has to be seen to be believed. 

Monday, 18 March 2013

Being unemployed

Being unemployed when you really want to work is very depressing.

You have too much time to think.

You have to deal with excessive amounts of rejection. 

Your savings account keeps getting smaller.

You start to get jealous of cats.

You think about having a baby just to have something to do.

It's not fun. It makes you question yourself, your ability, your purpose.

The longer this goes on, the worse it gets, the more depressed you feel.

One thing that cheers me up a little is watching this video:

Monkeys are awesome.  

Friday, 5 October 2012

A true story about nipples

Nipples are confusing. I didn't know they were so confusing until I became a Vet.

I certainly appreciate it when people are concerned about their pets health, but it is difficult to keep a straight face when something like this happens:

Hmm, now I'm confused.

Has she never seen a male human without a shirt on?

I can't laugh, can't stare in disbelief, can't say "are you serious?" I have to politely correct the mistake...

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

How marriage vows should be written

I don't like traditional marriage vows. They make me wonder if people are really thinking about what they are promising. I want to see some evidence that they have mulled it over, some creativity, something real, something that tells me they really know what it means.

Perhaps if they added some examples like :

  • "I will still love you if you gain 100 kg, go bald, and contract facial warts."
Now that sounds like real love. That example gives me a little bit of an indication that they are really thinking about the future and all the real life tests that a relationship might face.

Or this one..

  • "I would rather cut my arm off with a blunt screw-worm fly larvae contaminated knife than cheat on you."

It is quite sweet and adds a little bit of creativity and humour to the situation.

This one is nice too:
  • "I promise to never have a romantic relationship with anyone else, even when your body isn't the same after having babies and we haven't had sex in two years. "

Something that is quite likely to happen, as is this:

  • "I promise to never leave you especially if you trip over in an Indonesian rainforest and Komodo dragons eat all your limbs."

Or if you like camels:

  • "I will stay with you, even if you gamble away all our money on camel racing and we have to go and live with my parents."

And for real peace of mind and evidence that the person is really in it forever no matter what:

  • "I will never divorce you, even if you develop schizophrenia, throw saucepans at me and forget how to shower."

Promises like these ones rather than just traditional vows are more likely make me think that the two people getting married do love each other and might actually have a chance.

Previous post: What happens every time I hear a Justin Beiber song

Next post: A true story about nipples

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

What happens every time I hear a Justin Beiber song

I don't often hear Justin Beiber's music. It's not that I am completely against him; I like that his surname rhymes with beaver. It's just that most of the time I manage to avoid listening to radio stations that broadcast popular music and generally don't socialize with people infected with "beiber fever." Unfortunately, I am not a total hermit, so there are occasional circumstances where I am unable to escape such music.

This is seriously what goes through my head every time I hear a Beiber song:

Thursday, 16 August 2012

10 fun and easy ways to lose weight

Want to lose that jelly from your belly?

Sometimes I am lazy. Sometimes I can't do the simplest of things like getting out of bed before noon and showering. Sometimes I can't find the motivation to do anything except sit at the computer all day watching episodes of Scrubs or Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I have already seen seventeen times. Sometimes I put on my running pants in the hope that I will acquire more motivation for running later in the day because I won't need to find the motivation to change my pants. I usually then realise that my running pants are actually just more comfortable sitting down pants.

So to combat my laziness I have tried to think of some more creative and fun ways to lose weight and become a healthier human.

#1. Imaginative weightlifting. 
This one is also great for building arm muscles. Anything heavy that you find lying around the house can be used for weightlifting. How many times can you lift up the dog? What about the cat? That chair? The baby? Look around your house for suitable weightlifting objects, the more awkward, the more fun.

#2. Pedestrian racing. 
You may still have to find the motivation to put on pants for this one, but the motivation should be easier to find. Running is boring, but pedestrian racing is fun. All you have to do is go outside and walk around a little bit until you see another person also out for a stroll. Catch up to them so that you are walking beside them, then say "race you to the [insert obvious landmark here, e.g.. big tree]" and sprint as fast as you can to that landmark.  Don't look back at all until you reach your destination, when you arrive, turn around and scream "I WIN. I WIN." If you are lucky the pedestrian may actually try and race you, this is the ultimate holy grail of pedestrian racing. The idea can also be used with people that you know, your partner, your friends, anyone you are walking anywhere with. Why walk when you can race?

#3. Tiny plates.
Find the smallest plates in your house. Saucers, sake cups, anything ridiculously small, so small that people will laugh at you because you look like a giant with a really tiny plate. Then eat your meals using only those plates. Make a rule that you can't eat anything that is not on the plate. Make sure your food is in a different room so you get some exercise every time you have to get up and refill your plate. Not only will you get more exercise but you will eat slower and therefore eat less, eating slower gives your brain a chance to catch up with your body and tell you that you are full. Double the fun by also using chopsticks. 

#4. Celery stick gambling.
A good one to play with family or housemates. Keep a massive bunch of celery in your fridge and make bets with other people in your house like "I bet you two celery sticks that I can do more push ups than you." then the loser has to eat the celery. Celery is very low in calories and filling up on celery will mean you eat less other foods/snacks. This game can also be played with carrots or apples. 

#5. Pretend that sugar is poisonous
If you think someone is trying to poison you via sucrose you may no longer want to eat it. Goodbye donuts, goodbye sugary drinks, goodbye cake, goodbye spoonful of sugar in my coffee, you are poison I will not eat you. Make it more realistic by telling other people you think someone is trying to poison you with sugar.

#6. Wrong way escalator
Don't take the stairs, take the escalator that is going in the opposite direction. Stairs are boring, wrong way escalator is an exciting challenge. Try and race the people going on the right way escalator. If you win, jump up in the air yelling "I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN."  

#7. Minty fresh 
Brush your teeth after you eat, with a minty fresh mouth you will be less likely to want dessert, an extra snack or second dinner. Low calorie mints or chewing gum may also be useful to keep your breath fresh and help you resist temptation.

#8. Interpretive dance
Dancing is fun. It can be done while you are home alone or with friends. Try and act out the lyrics using dance, make up your own moves, go crazy.

#9. Laugh at everything
Laughing burns more calories than not laughing. Try and see the funny side of things, watch comedies, play a prank on someone. As Manny from Black Books said: "Be on the look out for things that make you laugh. If you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh." Laughing will also improve your mood which may help with motivation. 

I am going to do it this time, seriously, I have my running pants on.. Oh wait, do I smell pizza?